Breast Cancer and the Single Woman
August 4, 2009 by blackgirlgrown
Filed under breast cancer, health and wellness, relationships
For many of us, we imagine breast cancer as the cancer of old(er) women past the (dating) prime of their lives. With the help of a husband, these women are able to battle breast cancer, persevere, and continue on with their lives.
But what if you’re not married? Women under 40 do get breast cancer. What if you’re still looking for Prince Charming when you get your breast cancer diagnosis?
All of a sudden your life flashes before you. Coupled with the avalanche of anxieties that come with diagnosis, surgery, and treatment, you are left uniquely vulnerable to ponder. Will I ever feel attractive again? Why is so much of my femininity defined by my breasts? How does one casually bring up breast cancer during a romantic evening? Will Prince Charming love me with my scars? Will he leave when the going gets tough?
Nicole McLean, at My Fabulous Boobies, gives her perspective of how breast cancer affects her relationships with men:
Waking up one day and feeling a lump in your breast is a major curve ball. Waking up one day months later, weak from chemotherapy, bald all over and tired like you’ve run a marathon course… is a major curve ball. And so on. I’ve learned to navigate these switches in direction — not easily, but I’ve managed to do it.
I do not want to live the rest of my life alone. But at the same time, I am absolutely terrified of putting my feelings, emotions and everything else on the line and end up disappointed. Again. I am such a punk. (laughs) But I am truly working on it.
I don’t know. Dating was crazy and hard before breast cancer. I thought I had figured out (just before my diagnosis) what my issues were with dating. I thought that I had commitment issues. And I was working on that. But now, I don’t think that’s totally it. My issue isn’t being unable to commit to someone… its believing that someone can and will be willing to commit to me. Today, my issue is compounded by the fact that (God-willing) I will be living with the after-effects of having breast cancer for the rest of my life. There will always be some concern, some fear… some nagging something that will linger around my life and have to be dealt with head-on.
It sucks but its real.
The question that lingers is… if it was hard to accept that someone could stick with me through my craziness, my mood swings, my very “Nicole-ness” before cancer… my goodness, who is that man who will be willing to take on that PLUS millions of doctor visits, unexpected medical bills, fatigue, body changes and so on? This is REAL LIFE STUFF and its serious.
Well said.
So what’s a girl to do? Leave it to Lifetime TV to make a movie about this very topic. And their bloggers even provide “dating tips” for someone with a serious illness. If only that could cut it. Lifetime movies typically always have happy endings.
It still remains unchartered territory for those going through it. And a women will have to decide for herself if and when to disclose. It takes a different kind of strength, one very different than what is required to fight the disease. It requires comfort in your own vulnerability, strength to look within, and acceptance of the beautiful imperfections that make us who we are.
Just as I am fragile and beautifully human, men are too. If I can expect a man to see me and still see some beauty, then I should be able to do the same. Rather than expect or demand that “he” be perfect in his love for me, I need to work on accepting the beauty of his very human (sometimes disappointing, most times not) love for me. Rather than try to force his love to my vision — I’ll need to look at the love he gives me and appreciate it for its very uniqueness in my life.
